Old age humor
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Big Mo Two
"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Big Mo Two
"OLD" IS WHEN.....
You go to a garden party and you're mainly interested in the garden
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You know all of the answers, but nobody asks you the questions anymore.
An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Success
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At 12 success is . . . having friends.
At 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At 20 success is . . . having sex.
At 35 success is . . . having money.
At 50 success is . . . having more money.
At 60 success is . . . having sex.
At 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At 75 success is . . . having friends.
At 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
J. Williams
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget
The people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
you run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At 12 success is . . . having friends.
At 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At 20 success is . . . having sex.
At 35 success is . . . having money.
At 50 success is . . . having more money.
At 60 success is . . . having sex.
At 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At 75 success is . . . having friends.
At 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
J. Williams
The Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget
The people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
you run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Old Age
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Experience
You look both ways before crossing a room.
You keep repeating yourself.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
ADVANTAGES OF BEING OVER 50
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
5) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
6) Things you buy now won't wear out.
7) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
8) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
9) Your eyes won't get much worse.
10) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
linda stiefel
You are old when
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You off the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic reasons.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".
When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed, and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.
I.R. Stone 1907-1989
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You off the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic reasons.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than to get tired.
you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You are always saying "Why did I come in here?"
Feminists don't mind if you call them "Sweetie".
When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed, and when you're older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.
I.R. Stone 1907-1989
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Seniors & Ageing
Real life starts after fifty and
the best is yet to come.
Take charge and
enjoy the second innings.
Real life starts after fifty and
the best is yet to come.
Take charge and
enjoy the second innings.
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